I don't own these comics, they're from xkcd.com. These are just my favorites.
xkcd 69
Maybe I should've tried Wexler?
xkcd 85
It's true, I think about this all the time.
xkcd 138
Every computer, at the unreachable memory address 0x-1, stores a secret. I found it, and it is that all humans ar-- SEGMENTATION FAULT.
xkcd 208
Wait, forgot to escape a space. Wheeeeee[taptaptap]eeeeee.
xkcd 221
RFC 1149.5 specifies 4 as the standard IEEE-vetted random number.
xkcd 292
Neal Stephenson thinks it's cute to name his labels 'dengo'
xkcd 297
I've just received word that the Emperor has dissolved the MIT computer science program permanently.
xkcd 302
I'm always so happy that I successfully navigated the introduction that I completely forget to pay attention to the name the other person told me.
xkcd 303
'Are you stealing those LCDs?' 'Yeah, but I'm doing it while my code compiles.'
xkcd 309
I am never going out to buy an air conditioner with my sysadmin again.
xkcd 327
Her daughter is named Help I'm trapped in a driver's license factory.
xkcd 349
40% of OpenBSD installs lead to shark attacks. It's their only standing security issue.
xkcd 353
I wrote 20 short programs in Python yesterday. It was wonderful. Perl, I'm leaving you.
xkcd 361
Family going to bed at 10 PM is so much worse than jet lag.
xkcd 369
Zero results: 'snake charming' and 'haberdashery'. (Things like 'car' and 'boating' and such are of course the highest, by a huge margin.)
xkcd 373
But THIS guy, he might be for real!
xkcd 376
The universe started in 1970. Anyone claiming to be over 38 is lying about their age.
xkcd 378
Real programmers set the universal constants at the start such that the universe evolves to contain the disk with the data they want.
xkcd 386
What do you want me to do? LEAVE? Then they'll keep being wrong!
xkcd 403
Check it out; I've had sex with someone who's had sex with someone who's written a paper with Paul Erdős!
xkcd 416
I hear this is an option in the latest Ubuntu release.
xkcd 427
Protip: Even without the red spiders, never have that conversation halfway through a balloon ride.
xkcd 430
There was something about a cup and a sword and a tree and a green hill ...
xkcd 435
On the other hand, physicists like to say physics is to math as sex is to masturbation.
xkcd 451
If you think this is too hard on literary criticism, read the Wikipedia article on deconstruction.
xkcd 456
This really is a true story, and she doesn't know I put it in my comic because her wifi hasn't worked for weeks.
xkcd 481
Man, I just wanted to know how babby was formed.
xkcd 488
I spent more time trying to get an audible.com audio book playing than it took to listen to the book. I have lost every other piece of DRM-locked music I have paid for.
xkcd 490
I had a really hard time not writing '... profit!'
xkcd 519
And the ten minutes striking up a conversation with that strange kid in homeroom sometimes matters more than every other part of high school combined.
xkcd 544
Listen! They said a team of chess players coached by someone with no understanding of basketball would never be competitive in the NBA! Well, it turns out they're pretty perceptive.
xkcd 557
The same goes for the one where you're wrestling the Green Ranger in the swimming pool full of Crisco. You guys all have that dream, right? It's not just me. Right?
xkcd 571
If androids someday DO dream of electric sheep, don't forget to declare sheepCount as a long int.
xkcd 609
Cracked.com is another inexplicable browser narcotic. They could write a list of '17 worst haircuts in the Ottoman Empire' and I'd read through to the end, then click on all the links at the end.
xkcd 619
I hear many of you finally have smooth Flash support, but me and my Intel card are still waiting on a kernel patch somewhere in the pipeline before we can watch Jon Stewart smoothly.
xkcd 625
You know what really helps an existential crisis? Wondering how much shelf space to leave for a Terry Pratchett collection.
xkcd 627
'Hey Megan, it's your father. How do I print out a flowchart?'
xkcd 642
And I even got out my adorable new netbook!
xkcd 664
Some engineer out there has solved P=NP and it's locked up in an electric eggbeater calibration routine. For every 0x5f375a86 we learn about, there are thousands we never see.
xkcd 668
What? Oh, no, the 'Enchanted' soundtrack was just playing because Pandora's algorithms are terrible. [silence] ... (quietly) That's how you knooooooow ...
xkcd 676
If I'm such a god, why isn't Maru *my* cat?
xkcd 678
A technology that is '20 years away' will be 20 years away indefinitely.
xkcd 695
On January 26th, 2274 Mars days into the mission, NASA declared Spirit a 'stationary research station', expected to stay operational for several more months until the dust buildup on its solar panels forces a final shutdown.
xkcd 703
Hey, why do YOU get to be the president of Tautology Clu-- wait, I can guess.
xkcd 743
The heartfelt tune it plays is CC licensed, and you can get it from my seed on JoinDiaspora.com whenever that project gets going.
xkcd 763
I once worked on a friend's dad's computer. He had the hard drive divided into six partitions, C: through J:, with a 'Documents' directory tree on each one. Each new file appeared to be saved to a partition at random. I knew enough not to ask.
xkcd 773
People go to the website because they can't wait for the next alumni magazine, right? What do you mean, you want a campus map? One of our students made one as a CS class project back in '01! You can click to zoom and everything!
xkcd 792
It'll be hilarious the first few times this happens.
xkcd 798
'Fucking ineffable' sounds like someone remembering how to do self-censorship halfway through a phrase.
xkcd 802
Best trivia I learned while working on this: 'Man, Farmville is so huge! Do you realize it's the second-biggest browser-based social-networking-centered farming game in the WORLD?' Then you wait for the listener to do a double-take.
xkcd 806
I recently had someone ask me to go get a computer and turn it on so I could restart it. He refused to move further in the script until I said I had done that.
xkcd 832
The only winning move is to play, perfectly, waiting for your opponent to make a mistake.
xkcd 835
Not only is that terrible in general, but you just KNOW Billy's going to open the root present first, and then everyone will have to wait while the heap is rebuilt.
xkcd 838
He sees you when you're sleeping, he knows when you're awake, he's copied on /var/spool/mail/root, so be good for goodness' sake.
xkcd 844
You can either hang out in the Android Loop or the HURD loop.
xkcd 850
It's not our fault we caught a group on their way home from a geography bee. And they taught us that Uzbekistan is one of the world's two doubly-landlocked countries!
xkcd 869
They have to keep the adjacent rack units empty. Otherwise, half the entries in their /var/log/syslog are just 'SERVER BELOW TRYING TO START CONVERSATION *AGAIN*.' and 'WISH THEY'D STOP GIVING HIM SO MUCH COFFEE IT SPLATTERS EVERYWHERE.'
xkcd 874
I never trust anyone who's more excited about success than about doing the thing they want to be successful at.
xkcd 910
This hostname is going in dozens of remote config files. Changing a kid's name is comparatively easy!
xkcd 927
Fortunately, the charging one has been solved now that we've all standardized on mini-USB. Or is it micro-USB? Shit.
xkcd 934
It's fun to watch browsers fumblingly recapitulate the history of window management. Someday we'll have xmonad as a Firefox extension.
xkcd 936
To anyone who understands information theory and security and is in an infuriating argument with someone who does not (possibly involving mixed case), I sincerely apologize.
xkcd 945
You know I've always hated her.
xkcd 949
Every time you email a file to yourself so you can pull it up on your friend's laptop, Tim Berners-Lee sheds a single tear.
xkcd 963
Thomas Jefferson thought that every law and every constitution should be torn down and rewritten from scratch every nineteen years--which means X is overdue.
xkcd 970
I hear in some places, you need one form of ID to buy a gun, but two to pay for it by check. It's interesting who has what incentives to care about what mistakes.
xkcd 979
All long help threads should have a sticky globally-editable post at the top saying 'DEAR PEOPLE FROM THE FUTURE: Here's what we've figured out so far ...'
xkcd 1036
I plugged in this lamp and my dog went rigid, spoke a sentence of perfect Akkadian, and then was hurled sideways through the picture window. Even worse, it's one of those lamps where the switch is on the cord.
xkcd 1066
During the second semester, the path is briefly routed through the dishwasher.
xkcd 1070
If things are too quiet, try asking a couple of friends whether "a couple" should always mean "two". As with the question of how many spaces should go after a period, it can turn acrimonious surprisingly fast unless all three of them agree.
xkcd 1077
xkcd 1084
Protip: Annoy Ray Kurzweil by always referring to it as the 'Cybersingularity'.
xkcd 1089
Oh right, eye contact. Ok, good, holding the eye contact ... holding ... still holding ... ok, too long! Getting weird! Quick, look thoughtfully into space and nod. Oh, dammit, said 'yeah' again!
xkcd 1098
I got lost and wandered into the world's creepiest cemetery, where the headstones just had names and star ratings. Freaked me out. When I got home I tried to leave the cemetery a bad review on Yelp, but as my hand hovered over the 'one star' button I felt this distant chill ...
xkcd 1118
Facebook, Apple, and Google all got away with their monopolist power grabs because they don't have any 'S's in their names for critics to snarkily replace with '$'s.
xkcd 1121
Not sure why I just taught everyone to flawlessly impersonate me to pretty much anyone I know. Just remember to constantly bring up how cool it is that birds are dinosaurs and you'll be set.
xkcd 1168
I don't know what's worse--the fact that after 15 years of using tar I still can't keep the flags straight, or that after 15 years of technological advancement I'm still mucking with tar flags that were 15 years old when I started.
xkcd 1171
To generate #1 albums, 'jay --help' recommends the -z flag.
xkcd 1172
There are probably children out there holding down spacebar to stay warm in the winter! YOUR UPDATE MURDERS CHILDREN.
xkcd 1180
Within five minutes of the Singularity appearing, somebody will suggest defragging it.
xkcd 1195
The way out is to use the marker you have to add a box that says 'get a marker' to the line between you and 'start', then add a 'no' line from the trap box to 'end'.
xkcd 1197
ALERT: Some pending mandatory software updates require version 21.1.2 of the Oracle/Sun Java(tm) JDK(tm) Update Manager Runtime Environment Meta-Updater, which is not available for your platform.
xkcd 1205
Don't forget the time you spend finding the chart to look up what you save. And the time spent reading this reminder about the time spent. And the time trying to figure out if either of those actually make sense. Remember, every second counts toward your life total, including these right now.
xkcd 1235
Well, we've really only settled the question of ghosts that emit or reflect visible light. Or move objects around. Or make any kind of sound. But that covers all the ones that appear in Ghostbusters, so I think we're good.
xkcd 1247
Better change the URL to 'https' before downloading.
xkcd 1254
If you call my regular number, it just goes to my pager.
xkcd 1264
Points to anyone who hacks the Flickr devs' computers to make their text editors do this when you click on anything.
xkcd 1266
I found a counterexample to the claim that all things must someday die, but I don't know how to show it to anyone.
xkcd 1270
Functional programming combines the flexibility and power of abstract mathematics with the intuitive clarity of abstract mathematics.
xkcd 1275
If replacing all the '3's doesn't fix your code, remove the 4s, too, with 'ceiling(pi) / floor(pi) * pi * r^floor(pi)'. Mmm, floor pie.
xkcd 1280
If you find and stop the video, but you've--against all odds--gotten curious about the trade summit, just leave the tab opened. It will mysteriously start playing again 30 minutes later!
xkcd 1319
'Automating' comes from the roots 'auto-' meaning 'self-', and 'mating', meaning 'screwing'.
xkcd 1406
Comes with a 50-lb sack of gender changers, and also an add-on device with a voltage selector and a zillion circular center pin DC adapter tips so you can power any of those devices from the 90s.
xkcd 1409
xkcd 1421
Maybe I haven't been to Iceland because I'm busy dealing with YOUR crummy code.
xkcd 1425
In the 60s, Marvin Minsky assigned a couple of undergrads to spend the summer programming a computer to use a camera to identify objects in a scene. He figured they'd have the problem solved by the end of the summer. Half a century later, we're still working on it.
xkcd 1445
I need an extension for my research project because I spent all month trying to figure out whether learning Dvorak would help me type it faster.
xkcd 1448
The universe long dead, IsaAC surveyed the formless chaos. At last, he had arrived at an answer. 'I like you,' he declared to the void, 'but I don't LIKE like you.'
xkcd 1451
No way, we gotta rewind and cross-reference this map with the list of coordinates we saw on the other screen. This Greenland thing could be big.
xkcd 1459
Copy of Copy of Copy of Copy of Copy of Copy of Copy of Copy of Copy of Copy of Copy of Copy of Copy of Copy of Copy of Copy of Copy of Copy of Copy of Copy of Copy of Copy of Copy of Copy of Copy of Copy of Copy of Copy of Copy of Copy of Copy of Copy of Copy of Untitled.doc
xkcd 1481
ACCESS LIMITS: Clients may maintain connections to the server for no more than 86,400 seconds per day. If you need additional time, you may contact IERS to file a request for up to one additional second.
xkcd 1495
Googling inevitably reveals that my problem is caused by a known bug triggered by doing [the exact combination of things I want to do]. I can fix it, or wait a few years until I don't want that combination of things anymore, using the kitchen timer until then.
xkcd 1497
If you ever hear "Wait, is that Kim Dotcom's new project? I'm really excited about it and already signed up, although I'm a little nervous about whether everyone should hand over control of their medical...", it's time to dig a bunker in your backyard.
xkcd 1579
And when I think about it, a lot of "things I want to do" are just learning about and discussing new tools for tinkering with the chain.
xkcd 1597
If that doesn't fix it, git.txt contains the phone number of a friend of mine who understands git. Just wait through a few minutes of 'It's really pretty simple, just think of branches as...' and eventually you'll learn the commands that will fix everything.
xkcd 1634
I keep first aid kits in those emergency lockers. Sure, it's expensive to have them installed in the wall, but at least for those ones there's no need to pay extra for safety glass.
xkcd 1636
This site requires Sun Java (32-bit) or higher. You have Macromedia Java¾ (48-bit). Click here [link to java.com main page] to download an installer which will run fine but not really change anything.
xkcd 1646
xkcd 1647
Using diacritics correctly is not my forté.
xkcd 1650
Does it get taller first and then widen, or does it reach full width before getting taller, or alternate, or what?
xkcd 1652
'If you're done being pedantic, we should get dinner.' 'You did it again!' 'No, I didn't.'
xkcd 1654
The failures usually don't hurt anything, and if it installs several versions, it increases the chance that one of them is right. (Note: The 'yes' command and '2>/dev/null' are recommended additions.)
xkcd 1656
You can also try 'Yikes.'
xkcd 1667
There was a schism in 2007, when a sect advocating OpenOffice created a fork of Sunday.xlsx and maintained it independently for several months. The efforts to reconcile the conflicting schedules led to the reinvention, within the cells of the spreadsheet, of modern version control.
xkcd 1683
“If you can read this, congratulations—the archive you’re using still knows about the mouseover text”!
xkcd 1691
Premature optimization is the root of all evil, so to start this project I'd better come up with a system that can determine whether a possible optimization is premature or not.
xkcd 1694
Later, walking out of jail after posting $10,000 bail: "Wait, this isn't the street the county jail is on."
xkcd 1723
Click for an actual flowchart for identifying a meteorite. My favorite part is how 'Did someone see it fall? -> Yes' points to 'NOT A METEORITE.' This is not a mistake.
xkcd 1728
Take THAT, piece of 1980s-era infrastructure I've inexplicably maintained on my systems for 15 years despite never really learning how it works.
xkcd 1739
'What was the original problem you were trying to fix?' 'Well, I noticed one of the tools I was using had an inefficiency that was wasting my time.'
xkcd 1742
'Copy and paste from a random thread on a website' is the hardest to predict, and depends on the specific website, programming language, tone of the description, and current phase of the moon.
xkcd 1760
Certified skydiving instructors know way more about safely falling from planes than I do, and are way more likely to die that way.
xkcd 1768
Of course, "Number of times I've gotten to make a decision twice to know for sure how it would have turned out" is still at 0.
xkcd 1782
2078: He announces that he's finally making the jump from screen+irssi to tmux+weechat.
xkcd 1802
[*disables social networking accounts*] [*social isolation increases*] Wait, why does this ALSO feel bad?
xkcd 1854
The hardest refresh requires both a Mac keyboard and a Windows keyboard as a security measure, like how missile launch systems require two keys to be turned at once.
xkcd 1897
"Crowdsourced steering" doesn't sound quite as appealing as "self driving."
xkcd 1906
I started off with countless problems. But now I know, thanks to COUNT(), that I have "#REF! ERROR: Circular dependency detected" problems.
xkcd 1909
I spent a long time thinking about how to design a system for long-term organization and storage of subject-specific informational resources without needing ongoing work from the experts who created them, only to realized I'd just reinvented libraries.
xkcd 1914
When we started distributing special status tokens that signify which people are important enough to join an elite group, we never could have imagined we might be creating some problems down the line.
xkcd 1987
The Python environmental protection agency wants to seal it in a cement chamber, with pictorial messages to future civilizations warning them about the danger of using sudo to install random Python packages.
xkcd 2045
Why I'm Moving Most of My Social Activity to Slack, Then Creating a Second Slack to Avoid the People in the First One, Then Giving Up on Social Interaction Completely, Then Going Back to Texting
xkcd 2054
"Is the pipeline literally running from your laptop?" "Don't be silly, my laptop disconnects far too often to host a service we rely on. It's running on my phone."
xkcd 2106
How about posts that are public, but every time a company accesses a bunch of them, the API makes their CEO's account click 'like' on one of them at random so you get a notification.
xkcd 2116
At some point, compression becomes an aesthetic design choice. Luckily, SVG is a really flexible format, so there's no reason it can't support vector JPEG artifacts.
xkcd 2138
And because if you just leave it there, it's going to start contaminating things downstream even if no one touches it directly.
xkcd 2158
[20 minutes later] ", hi."
xkcd 2166
Gotta feel kind of bad for nation-state hackers who spend years implanting and cultivating some hardware exploit, only to discover the entire target database is already exposed to anyone with a web browser.
xkcd 2169
WE WILL ARREST THE REVOLUTION MEMBERS [AT THE JULY 28TH MEETING][tab] "Cancel the meeting! Our cover is blown."
xkcd 2173
It also works for anything you teach someone else to do. "Oh yeah, I trained a pair of neural nets, Emily and Kevin, to respond to support tickets."
xkcd 2176
If only somebody had warned them that the world would roll them like this.
xkcd 2180
My brother once asked me if there was a function to produce a calendar grid from a list of dates in Google Sheets. I replied with a single-cell formula that took in a list of dates and outputted a calendar. It used SEQUENCE(), REGEXMATCH(), and a double-nested ARRAYFORMULA(), and it locked up the browser for 15 seconds every time it ran. I think he learned a lot about asking me things.
xkcd 2212
... tazer ... fire extinguisher ... bird feeder ... toilet paper ...
xkcd 2228
More likely: Click on all the pictures of people who appear disloyal to [name of company or government]
xkcd 2257
A mix of the two is even worse: 'Thanks for unsubscribing and helping us pare this list down to reliable supporters.'
xkcd 2259
xkcd 2267
Blockchains are like grappling hooks, in that it's extremely cool when you encounter a problem for which they're the right solution, but it happens way too rarely in real life.
xkcd 2276
Turns out I've been "practicing social distancing" for years without even realizing it was a thing!
xkcd 2347
Someday ImageMagick will finally break for good and we'll have a long period of scrambling as we try to reassemble civilization from the rubble.
xkcd 2365
SMS is just the worst, but I'm having trouble convincing people to adopt my preferred system, TLS IRC with a local server and a patched DOSBox gateway running in my mobile browser.
xkcd 2581
You will live on forever in our hearts, pushing a little extra blood toward our left hands now and then to give them a squeeze.
xkcd 2716
One good trick, if you get called on a fake service, is to build a working version of it and mention it again the next week.
xkcd 2821
Of course you get an ice cream cone for the swimmer too! You're not a monster.
xkcd 2832
If they're going to make people ride bikes and scooters in traffic, then it should at LEAST be legal to do the Snow Crash thing where you use a hook-shot-style harpoon to catch free rides from cars.
xkcd 2912
𝓘 𝓽𝓱𝓲𝓷𝓴 𝓬𝓪𝓹𝓲𝓽𝓪𝓵 𝓛 𝓲𝓼 𝓹𝓻𝓸𝓫𝓪𝓫𝓵𝔂 𝓽𝓱𝓮 𝓶𝓸𝓼𝓽 𝓯𝓾𝓷 𝓽𝓸 𝔀𝓻𝓲𝓽𝓮, 𝓽𝓱𝓸𝓾𝓰𝓱 𝓵𝓸𝔀𝓮𝓻𝓬𝓪𝓼𝓮 𝓺 𝓲𝓼 𝓪𝓵𝓼𝓸 𝓪 𝓼𝓽𝓻𝓸𝓷𝓰 𝓬𝓸𝓷𝓽𝓮𝓷𝓭𝓮𝓻.